When I lived in New York getting nostalgic meant thinking about home in Israel. As summer kicked in and people all over the world started celebrating gay pride, I couldn't avoid thinking about June 19th. I fell in-love two years ago, with a boy I met just a week before New York's gay pride. Gay pride will always be associated to something special that happened to me. So even though I am very happy with the choices I've made, lately I've been getting a little bit nostalgic. A short note I got from Brett last night showed me that I wasn't the only one. It's very special knowing that we both still appreciate the memories of what we shared and even though we both moved on, we'll always cherish the memories of falling in-love in New York during Gay Pride 2007. That's something that is worth getting nostalgic about.

2-0-0-7

This is a new chapter in my life

I have to admit that for a long time now I have been having professional dilemmas. Working at law firms never seemed enjoyable to me. For some reason it has become a common practice that at firms lawyers are allowed little to no time for their personal lives. This is a sacrifice almost every attorney is expected to make. A sacrifice I was unable and, most importantly, unwilling, to do.

The other thing on my mind was finding a job in an environment which would truly benefit from the fact that I am an international lawyer, with two law degrees, work experience in three different continents and qualified to practice in two states. No firm could offer me such a challenge.

Eventually, the opportunity arose. Yesterday I started working as the legal advisor of the international relations branch of EL AL, Israel's national Airline. When I took the train to the airport where EL AL's offices are located I felt real excitement. I was looking forward to start getting my hands on thing; working on international contracts; promoting the traffic of tourists into Israel through EL AL and improving the possibilities Israelis have to travel all over the world. I don't remember ever feeling such excitement before going to work. Yesterday, I felt like I am about to start my dream job.

Last week I went to see the latest Star Trek movie directed by J. J. Abrams. As a child I followed the original Star Trek series and the Next Generation series which followed. I loved it! In this sense I was, and still am, a kind of a Treky. I think it's beautiful that at least in our imagination we are already traveling throughout the universe. Our imagination is always several steps ahead of us, but humanity tends to catch up at some point.

Some people tend to underestimate the power of entertainment. But as a child, watching a show where people from all races and genders were onboard a star-ship, working together to protect the federation, was something very powerful. I think Star Trek had a tremendous effect on the values I grew up with and the person I am today.

One final note, I loved the movie, it's a must see!

Here's a fan-made tribute to the movie

It was long overdue. Eight months passed since my return and I couldn't bring myself to go and visit them. I don't know what I was afraid of. Maybe it was simply confronting them? Maybe it was some kind of guilt, feeling they might judge me? I just don't know. If it wouldn't have been for my friend Eli's initiative I don't think I would have been able to go through with it. Under the scorching June sun we paid our respects. First to my mother's grave and then to my father's.

I had some difficulty in finding my father's grave since the marking in the cemetery was confusing. After ten minutes of walking around a sea of tombstones I heard a familiar voice calling out my name. It was my aunt Orna and two of my cousins Anat and Osnat who by chance happened to be looking for my father's grave wanting to pay their respects after visiting my uncle's grave. What were the odds that in the eight months I have been in Israel, they decided to go to my father's grave on the same day at the exact same time that I went to visit my father? I guess it shows that some higher guidance really exists. Together we managed to quickly find my father's grave and I read two chapters from Psalms and the Kadish.

I returned to Tel Aviv feeling somewhat at ease. I know that in many ways I have yet to come to terms with what had happened to them. And even more so, I still feel uncomfortable "facing them" in a way. But I hope that finally going to the cemetery is the first step in a long process of reconciling with what had happened to them, realizing that a person's relationship with his parents doesn't end upon their death.

It was on the day of the Tel Aviv Gay Pride that I came out. My mother cautiously warned me not go into the city that Friday afternoon because, as she phrased it, 'it will be a chaos in downtown Tel Aviv today'. I don't know what took over me. It was roughly a month or two after I realized and came to terms with the fact I was gay. I looked at her and said 'I know, I am going to the chaos'.

I haven't been to the Tel Aviv Pride in over four years now. When I left Israel there was a feeling it was only getting smaller and smaller. Maybe starting to suffocate under the criticism and misunderstanding of the larger Israeli public which didn't understand what it was good for. In the last four year this attitude is mostly a thing of the past. Institutional Israel for its larger part embraced Gay Pride. The Ministry of Tourism is helping to get more tourists from all over the world to come and participate in the celebrations. Even the Foreign Office realized how the issue of progressive Gay Rights in Israel could help improve Israel's human rights' perception in Europe. A large part of the credit should be awarded to Ron Hulday, Tel Aviv's mayor, who is one of the most important locomotives in this movement. The increasing budgets, the beautiful municipal GLBT center in Mair Park, they were all passed and executed during his administration.

The mayor and I

As for me, I had an amazing time. The streets were packed, people were celebrating. The atmosphere was simply incredible. But most of all it was so much fun running into old friends and acquaintances that I haven't since in a long time, some aren't even from Israel. I will let the pictures speak for themselves, I just simpy have to add that one of the most beautiful things for me this pride, was that people from all over the city were greating each other with Hag Sameh, Happy Holiday.

A gay family looking through the window on the parade

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With Almog

With Yoni and Avshi

It took me a while, but several nights ago I entertained my first aperitif at the new apartment. My ulterior motive was to play matchmaker to a couple of friends of mine; so what better way to bring people together than getting them drinking a lot of wine? The evening was amazing. Having friends over made me feel really at home.

Lately, I have been coming home with a huge smile. I feel very fortunate. This apartment makes me so happy. I love waking up seeing the light shining through the windows. Even opening the door, just to find a copy of 'Haaretz' newspaper lying outside, means so much to me. I am at home, I have my own place and I am not going anywhere. Buying this place was only the first step, but that second step of making it feel like home was so much easier than I expected.

Self Reflection

He looked at me with furious eyes and called me a 'Survivor'. He didn't say it in praise or admiration. It was cold; meant to hurt. I never thought of myself as a person motivated by survival instincts. But was he right? Was it rooted in me? Was it such a part of my personality? Is it who I am?

This court marshal was held in Jerusalem at a small café. The charge was being manipulative, an opportunist, yes, a 'survivor'. I didn't see it coming. He was punishing me for not wanting to be in a relationship with him in the past. 'EIGHT MONTHS I WAITED FOR YOU' he angrily said. I claimed my innocence. We dated a bit when I just moved back to Tel Aviv, but I had no idea.

I returned to Tel Aviv distraught. The wild fire that the charge against me lit was still burning. I don't think he realized how much he managed to hurt me. Not because of what he said, but because for a second there, a terrible and excruciating second, he made me doubt what got me this far.

What he really didn't understand was that for years I felt like I lost my parents way before they died. I lost them when I thought they didn't love me. They lost me in years of violence and neglect. The day I decided to leave and take care of myself was the beginning of the most important journey of my life. I took control over my own fate. I don't think that that counts as survival; it is being accountable to oneself.

This path led me this far. In deciding to move to Tel Aviv, Haifa, Holland and New York I had no difficulties moving away and starting over, because I was not really leaving something behind. I didn't have a real family, no real home and that's even before my dad died. I believe that the real irony of my life was that all these attempts to move away and start fresh abroad only prepared me to the unexpected twist of rebuilding my life here, in Tel Aviv, after my parents were both gone.

Survival-wise, I only had to 'survive' the part of my life I was growing up in an abusive home. The day I left was the day I ceased being a survivor and started being an adult. The day I left was the beginning of a new person, from Kelfman to Knahan, from Chen to Auria. The two are connected; it was an evolution and not a revolution. It was a journey, a journey that is still continuing. So no, I do not operate coldly as a survivor, but as a person who is rebuilding everything again.

I feel good. I really do. I had my share of questions about what I want to do next in my life, choosing between different paths. Questions of following my heart or my mind, but I have learned that only once the heart and mind come together and both point at the same direction, you have the right answer, the answer that will make you happiest.


Everything looks good. There's an amazing atmosphere around the city which is enjoying its summery birthday. Like every summer Israelis from all over the world either come to spend the summer here or at least stop by for a quick getaway. One of the highlights of this weekend was Yoni and Avshi's pool party, celebrating their return for the season after a long and cold winter in New York. Seeing these two New York friends alongside Aeyal who came for a shorter visit from London, was by itself a cause for celebration.

Aeyal and I at Yoni and Avshi's pool party

The festivity around the city is also noticeable in the rainbow flags the city had placed all around town for the up and coming Tel Aviv Gay Pride. A new friend I recently made, a student from the States who recently moved to Tel Aviv after spending several months living in our neighboring countries, told me how stunned he was, crossing the border from a place where people's alternative sexual orientations were repressed, to a city where such freedom is celebrated. Tel Aviv is truly one of the most amazing cities I know in that respect.

2008 Gay Pride in Tel Aviv

The hour was a quarter past five in the afternoon. The heat was starting to go down as the streets were filling up again. Some were walking their dogs as others were winding down in the cafe's and restaurants along the boulevards after a full day at work. Then it started, for some reason the bomb siren went off, releasing its enormous wail, echoing around the city. I was at home watching a DVD trying not to think of all the things that went wrong that day; My dis-functioning iMac, my career dilemmas, I even didn't feel like working out that day, which was a clear sign that I was being myself! Then I heard it. From my rooftop apartment it was as loud as it could get. I immediately thought that we may have surprise attacked Iran's nuclear facilities and that they were retaliating by firing missiles on Israel. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I live in the Middle East, it can't get crazier than here. I thought about what I should do. I live in a pre-war (WWII) Bauhaus building; needless to say there is no shelter in the building. A second later I remembered that I don't really know where the public shelter around is. I was puzzled and confused while the sirens were still wailing. My heart was beating like crazy. Could this be it? Is the city going to be hit? Then I decided to do what felt right. I went up to my roof overlooking the city and waited. In the meantimes the sirens died down. The city's skyline was so calm. The sky was blue and full of countless birds that were startled by the alarm and took off, circling in the air. Much like me they were waiting to see what's to come. After several minutes we all landed back. It was a malfunction in the siren system; I went back to my apartment, thinking apocalyptic thoughts. This wasn't it, but I saw how it may look one day, the quiet before the storm.